I don't know. I feel as if all of the Christmas magic I used to feel is gone and that Christmas is just another day. I know it's because I'm getting older, and I understand that Christmas is all about celebrating the things you have with your family and friends, but every year it kind of depresses me more and more.
It's not because I don't get the gifts I want, or because there is a lack of love in my house, but rather because my one true Christmas wish is to be cured of CP. I know that's never going to happen, and I know it's silly, but every year I wish for it. It never comes, of course, but there is always a tiny part of me that believes it will somehow.
It just makes me sad that I wish for something that is impossible to get.
Ah, I always get like this, but I'm sure tomorrow morning I'll be over it. Well, I hope so. Here are some things I am thankful for:
- I'm thankful to have a roof over my head.
- I'm thankful for my family and friends.
- I'm thankful that I am fortunate enough to get gifts.
- I'm thankful I can talk, get around, and do things for myself independently.
- I'm thankful for the internet and this blog as it allows me to express feelings I would not usually express outside of it.
- I'm thankful for my health.
- I'm thankful that my friend Kerri is being let out of hospital for Christmas Day (thinking of you Kerri!)
- I'm thankful to all those who read, comment, and empathise on and with my various blog posts.
- I'm thankful that Christmas allows me to be thankful.
Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you all have a wonderful safe day surrounded by lots of cheer and those you love. Much love to you all.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Fleetwood Mac Attack!
This past weekend, my dad and I flew up to New Plymouth to see Fleetwood Mac live, along with 18,000 other people. Fortunately, we had reserved seats near the front, so we didn't have to scramble in the stampede to get as close as possible like many others were doing. It was madness!
Fleetwood were simply brilliant. They played all the hits, and even if I didn't know the words, I was quite happy to 'dance' and sing along! There was a wheelchair platform again that gave me a good view of the stage, and it was raised so I didn't have to worry about not being able to see. It rained the whole way through, and we got soaked, but the rain ended up making the night quite festive. The atmosphere was great, and everyone was going crazy near the end during the encores. Lindsey Buckingham's guitar skills were insane, Stevie Nicks' singing was amazing, and Mick Fleetwood and John McVie were fantastic too. They truly showed that although they're all in their 60s now, they still know how to perform and get an audience going!
I had a great time, and didn't even startle much!
Here are a few pictures, plus a video my dad took near the end.
1. Me in the park the concert was held in.
2. Our seats.
3. Me with thousands of people behind me.
On Sunday, before we left, we went to see the new movie Avatar. It ended up being very good, and much more personal than I expected. Go see it!
Fleetwood were simply brilliant. They played all the hits, and even if I didn't know the words, I was quite happy to 'dance' and sing along! There was a wheelchair platform again that gave me a good view of the stage, and it was raised so I didn't have to worry about not being able to see. It rained the whole way through, and we got soaked, but the rain ended up making the night quite festive. The atmosphere was great, and everyone was going crazy near the end during the encores. Lindsey Buckingham's guitar skills were insane, Stevie Nicks' singing was amazing, and Mick Fleetwood and John McVie were fantastic too. They truly showed that although they're all in their 60s now, they still know how to perform and get an audience going!
I had a great time, and didn't even startle much!
Here are a few pictures, plus a video my dad took near the end.
2. Our seats.
3. Me with thousands of people behind me.
On Sunday, before we left, we went to see the new movie Avatar. It ended up being very good, and much more personal than I expected. Go see it!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
On A High
Yesterday I went out with James' family and family friends for his 18th birthday dinner. We went to a very nice, but noisy, Italian restaurant. I was very honoured to attend as only his immediate family (mum, dad, brother and great aunt) and their lifelong family friends went, so I took it as a huge compliment that he invited me to share such a special occasion with him.
I was a bit nervous about going, that I will admit. I was scared that they may be a bit wary of me, having CP and all, well, the ones I hadn't met before, but I was very pleasantly surprised. They were so very friendly and made me feel really welcome, as if I fitted right into their family. They knew about me, so that made things easier. There was a lot of good conversation, many laughs and a few surprises. The biggest of all being when we were ordering drinks for a second time, and it was James' turn, and he said "I'll have a rum and coke please." The whole table erupted into shocked laughter, because if you knew James, you would never expect him to order an alcoholic drink right under his mums nose! I certainly didn't expect it, but was proud of him for ordering his first drink.
Overall it was a great night with great food and really great people. I had a great time. They were so nice to me and were aware of my needs. They even picked me up and dropped me back home again, which shows how much they do care. When they dropped me home, James said to me "Thanks so much for coming Erin! We should go see a movie sometime!" which is pretty much asking me out, right?!
I'm so excited. I can't believe I've known this wonderful boy for six years. I remember going to his twelth birthday! How crazy is that. It's certainly been an awesome six years, and I have little doubt our friendship is strong enough to last for six more.
Ahh. I'm on such a high. :-)
I was a bit nervous about going, that I will admit. I was scared that they may be a bit wary of me, having CP and all, well, the ones I hadn't met before, but I was very pleasantly surprised. They were so very friendly and made me feel really welcome, as if I fitted right into their family. They knew about me, so that made things easier. There was a lot of good conversation, many laughs and a few surprises. The biggest of all being when we were ordering drinks for a second time, and it was James' turn, and he said "I'll have a rum and coke please." The whole table erupted into shocked laughter, because if you knew James, you would never expect him to order an alcoholic drink right under his mums nose! I certainly didn't expect it, but was proud of him for ordering his first drink.
Overall it was a great night with great food and really great people. I had a great time. They were so nice to me and were aware of my needs. They even picked me up and dropped me back home again, which shows how much they do care. When they dropped me home, James said to me "Thanks so much for coming Erin! We should go see a movie sometime!" which is pretty much asking me out, right?!
I'm so excited. I can't believe I've known this wonderful boy for six years. I remember going to his twelth birthday! How crazy is that. It's certainly been an awesome six years, and I have little doubt our friendship is strong enough to last for six more.
Ahh. I'm on such a high. :-)
Monday, November 30, 2009
Burden or Blessing?
My parents have been told that they are so blessed to have a daughter as 'special' as me, but as I've grown older, I've realised people just say that because they don't know what else to say. That's fine. I can't really expect them to say anything else. But I can't help but think I am a burden more than a blessing.
Cerebral Palsy does not only affect me, it affects my whole family. Over the years, it has limited my parents, what they can do, and where they can go and when. It has also affected my two siblings. They have missed out on a lot of things associated with childhood, going on camping holidays to the beach for example. Does it have stairs? Yes? Well then we can't go because of Erin. Now it's too late, and it makes me feel so guilty. So guilty that I've restricted them from doing things.
I don't see how having this disability can be seen as a blessing. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for a lot of things, but not for the fact that I have CP. The appointments, the surgeries, the stares, the bullying. the discrimination. I haven't benefited from any of that, really. The fact of the matter is, I know a lot of people who say "Cerebral Palsy is what makes me who I am", but personally, if I had a choice to be cured of CP right now, I'd choose to be in a split second. It's not who I am. It's just a part of me that I wish I didn't have, and I wish I could change it. For example, people who don't like their noses can get a nose job. People who want bigger boobs can get them enlarged. People who are obese can get gastric bypasses. They can change their bodies to suit what they want, but it doesn't work like that when it comes to being disabled. I am stuck with this for the rest of my life, and that really scares me. It really really scares me.
I don't want to be inspirational. I don't want to be 'the girl with CP'. I just want to be 'the girl whose name is Erin', or 'the girl with the weird taste in music', or anything that hasn't got anything to do with my CP, but that seems to be impossible. I may not think CP makes me who I am, but other people do, and I hate it sometimes. I really really hate it.
End of confusing post...
Cerebral Palsy does not only affect me, it affects my whole family. Over the years, it has limited my parents, what they can do, and where they can go and when. It has also affected my two siblings. They have missed out on a lot of things associated with childhood, going on camping holidays to the beach for example. Does it have stairs? Yes? Well then we can't go because of Erin. Now it's too late, and it makes me feel so guilty. So guilty that I've restricted them from doing things.
I don't see how having this disability can be seen as a blessing. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for a lot of things, but not for the fact that I have CP. The appointments, the surgeries, the stares, the bullying. the discrimination. I haven't benefited from any of that, really. The fact of the matter is, I know a lot of people who say "Cerebral Palsy is what makes me who I am", but personally, if I had a choice to be cured of CP right now, I'd choose to be in a split second. It's not who I am. It's just a part of me that I wish I didn't have, and I wish I could change it. For example, people who don't like their noses can get a nose job. People who want bigger boobs can get them enlarged. People who are obese can get gastric bypasses. They can change their bodies to suit what they want, but it doesn't work like that when it comes to being disabled. I am stuck with this for the rest of my life, and that really scares me. It really really scares me.
I don't want to be inspirational. I don't want to be 'the girl with CP'. I just want to be 'the girl whose name is Erin', or 'the girl with the weird taste in music', or anything that hasn't got anything to do with my CP, but that seems to be impossible. I may not think CP makes me who I am, but other people do, and I hate it sometimes. I really really hate it.
End of confusing post...
Friday, November 27, 2009
Freedom
I had my last exam yesterday. It went okay. Now I just have to go give all my books back on Wednesday, and then school is well and truly finished. It's a good feeling, but I can't believe how fast this year has gone. Hopefully a good summer lies ahead!
Monday, November 23, 2009
It's The Little Things That Are The Biggest Deal
I am almost 18-years-old, and up until yesterday, I had never washed my hair without help. But yesterday morning, I did it. I probably didn't wash it well enough, not to my mother's standard anyway, but I still did it. It took me close to an hour to shower, wash it, get dressed and dry it, but I was really proud.
I really wanted to tell someone about it, like on Facebook or something, but I knew they wouldn't have understood what a big deal it is, so I didn't.
Another milestone to cross off the list and another step towards complete independence.
I can now:
- Get dressed without help including shoes and socks.
- Shower without anyone having to put the shower seat down or anything.
- Wash my hair independently.
- Get/make myself snacks and drinks without spilling everywhere.
Now I just have to learn to cook...
I really wanted to tell someone about it, like on Facebook or something, but I knew they wouldn't have understood what a big deal it is, so I didn't.
Another milestone to cross off the list and another step towards complete independence.
I can now:
- Get dressed without help including shoes and socks.
- Shower without anyone having to put the shower seat down or anything.
- Wash my hair independently.
- Get/make myself snacks and drinks without spilling everywhere.
Now I just have to learn to cook...
Friday, November 20, 2009
Exams, Excitement, and Some Midnight Thoughts...
I have six days to go till my final exam. Six days till freedom! Eleven till I officially sign out of high school and get taken off the roll...
I should be freaking out about them much more than I am, but for some reason, I am rather relaxed about it. I've had two so far, and I have three to go. The two on Wednesday went okay. The Shakespeare paper for English was really good, because there was a question in there I had done a practice essay on during the year. I was quite excited, to say the least! Well, as excited as you can get during an exam.
Scholarship German went alright too. I wasn't too worried about it because in the end, Scholarship exams don't count towards you passing as they are a separate exam. There were only five of us sitting it, and in the middle of the listening, I had a major coughing fit that made my eyes water! I had had a dry, itchy annoying cough for a few days, so I thought it may happen, but that didn't make it any less embarrassing! Fortunately for me, the guy in front of me came to my rescue and handed me his water bottle which I took a big swig out of! I have lovingly named him 'Water Bottle Boy'. He also helped me get out afterwards. When the school closes for the day, they put this bar across the exit for some unbeknown reason, and you have to step over it, but I of course had to go under it. He had to lift it up for me, as high as he could, and I had to do the limbo! Thankfully, I just made it without concussing myself. Thanks, Water Bottle Boy, I owe you!
In other news, my family is going back to South Africa for my cousin's wedding in April! It's been nine years since we've been back, so I am pretty excited to see everyone again. Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmothers etc. We are going for two weeks, and the flight is a measly 34 hours! Something to look forward to, for sure. My grandmother on my mum's side is coming for a visit in a couple of weeks, so that's exciting too!
I can't believe I've been a high school graduate for almost two weeks now. It's just crazy how fast time goes. I don't think it will really sink in until sign out day on December 2, which isn't very far away at all.
Okay, so last night, I just happened to stumble across this show on at midnight. It was called High School Reunion, and was about part of a high school class that reunited and stayed in a resort in Hawaii together. They had their graduating photos with them, as well as the labels they were in high school: 'the bully' 'the lesbian' 'the popular girl' 'the drama queen'. It was so funny to see how much they'd changed! As much as it entertained me, it really got me thinking.
I mean, it's hard enough to imagine everyone going their separate ways next year, but to imagine us all (all 420 of us!) in twenty years, is just... weird. Who's going to get married and have kids? Who's going to become rich and famous? Who's going to live on the other side of the world? Who am I never going to see again? Will I even be in contact with anyone from high school by then? Will I have a job? What will I be doing and where will I be living? Will I have a boyfriend/husband? Or will I still be a loser with few friends? Will it get worse? It can't get worse, can it? There are just so many questions, and I wish I could answer them! I am so scared and excited about what's to come in the next few years, but I also wish that sometimes I could look into the future to get rid of that scary unknown.
Anyway, your turn. Reflect on graduating high school and how you've changed/what's happened since then! :)
I should be freaking out about them much more than I am, but for some reason, I am rather relaxed about it. I've had two so far, and I have three to go. The two on Wednesday went okay. The Shakespeare paper for English was really good, because there was a question in there I had done a practice essay on during the year. I was quite excited, to say the least! Well, as excited as you can get during an exam.
Scholarship German went alright too. I wasn't too worried about it because in the end, Scholarship exams don't count towards you passing as they are a separate exam. There were only five of us sitting it, and in the middle of the listening, I had a major coughing fit that made my eyes water! I had had a dry, itchy annoying cough for a few days, so I thought it may happen, but that didn't make it any less embarrassing! Fortunately for me, the guy in front of me came to my rescue and handed me his water bottle which I took a big swig out of! I have lovingly named him 'Water Bottle Boy'. He also helped me get out afterwards. When the school closes for the day, they put this bar across the exit for some unbeknown reason, and you have to step over it, but I of course had to go under it. He had to lift it up for me, as high as he could, and I had to do the limbo! Thankfully, I just made it without concussing myself. Thanks, Water Bottle Boy, I owe you!
In other news, my family is going back to South Africa for my cousin's wedding in April! It's been nine years since we've been back, so I am pretty excited to see everyone again. Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmothers etc. We are going for two weeks, and the flight is a measly 34 hours! Something to look forward to, for sure. My grandmother on my mum's side is coming for a visit in a couple of weeks, so that's exciting too!
I can't believe I've been a high school graduate for almost two weeks now. It's just crazy how fast time goes. I don't think it will really sink in until sign out day on December 2, which isn't very far away at all.
Okay, so last night, I just happened to stumble across this show on at midnight. It was called High School Reunion, and was about part of a high school class that reunited and stayed in a resort in Hawaii together. They had their graduating photos with them, as well as the labels they were in high school: 'the bully' 'the lesbian' 'the popular girl' 'the drama queen'. It was so funny to see how much they'd changed! As much as it entertained me, it really got me thinking.
I mean, it's hard enough to imagine everyone going their separate ways next year, but to imagine us all (all 420 of us!) in twenty years, is just... weird. Who's going to get married and have kids? Who's going to become rich and famous? Who's going to live on the other side of the world? Who am I never going to see again? Will I even be in contact with anyone from high school by then? Will I have a job? What will I be doing and where will I be living? Will I have a boyfriend/husband? Or will I still be a loser with few friends? Will it get worse? It can't get worse, can it? There are just so many questions, and I wish I could answer them! I am so scared and excited about what's to come in the next few years, but I also wish that sometimes I could look into the future to get rid of that scary unknown.
Anyway, your turn. Reflect on graduating high school and how you've changed/what's happened since then! :)
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